Salaam alaikum

I’m afraid I can’t answer such a broad question. I don’t think anyone could, honestly, or we all wouldn’t even be here.
My only suggestion is to constantly be revisiting al Qur’an and evaluating your faith and relationship with Allah as often as you can.

Anyone who claims to be able to answer your question doesn’t have your faith or journey to God in mind.

Best of luck, insha’Allah

- Nafisah

I am not against homosexuality or anything like that but rather I am for Islam and it is because of Islam and also my concern for her as a Muslim that I am asking for help :( I also like her quite a lot and she at one point liked me too so I really need some help, thank you

Salaam alaikum and apologies for the delay in replying.

When it comes to interpersonal relationships, the sad truth remains that people cannot be forced into clarity. I understand your worry, but there is nothing you can do except be ready to catch her if/when she falls.

And if she opens up to you again, the last thing you should do is scold her or say “I told you so.” If this girlfriend is as bad as you think, then your friend will be going through a hard time; a good friend should not yell at her.

She needs to learn her own lessons and from her own mistakes, and insha’Allah God guides her through it.
Do your best to be patient and trust in her until then.
Help her when she wants it.

- Nafisah

I am afraid of big commitments, so the thought of marriage bothers me. However, I am awful at expressing myself through words, and the best way I can do it is through touch. And touch is something that I need to feel better about myself and feel loved (and show love), and I don’t know… Sex feels good. I like feeling good. If I do convert, should I start being chaste and become celibate…?

This is my opinion, but marriage isn’t quite the permanent thing many people usually see it as. I personally see marriage as an agreement between consenting adults, and if that includes being polyamorous, sexual, or even temporary, that’s fine, as long as everyone is in agreement.

There isn’t one set way to be a Muslim, even though we have many traditions that have worked for Muslims in the past, people are all very different, and Islam celebrates diversity.
Religion is not a box for you to fit inside of. It’s a vessel for your personal enlightenment.

It is possible for you to be Muslim with your lifestyle, if that’s what you think is best for you.

I’m sorry if this answer is too vague, but I highly encourage you to find your own niche in Islam, even if that means going against the grain.

- Nafisah

I think pointing out the fundamental value of compassion in every religion is a great start.
Also the fact that God is only one who has the right to judge mankind and each person.

Best wishes

- Nafisah

—don’t know what to do anymore.

Salaam alaikum sister.

If you are living with people who constantly debase you, you can’t rely on them or live to their standards. You are not haraam, so there is no need to “pray the gay away,” much less try to please those who would drive you to such drastic measures.

They are family, yes, but that doesn’t mean they love you unconditionally. In fact, many times family can be one of the most destructive source of pressure in our lives.
They’ve driven you to attempt suicide… I can’t overlook that, and neither should you.

You’ve prayed to change, but nothing has come of it.
There’s a saying that goes:

“Allah has three answers to prayer. ‘Yes,’ ‘Not yet,’ and ‘I have something better planned for you.’”

Continue to pray, not to change who you are, but for strength.
Strength to divorce yourself from this ideal of family “love”, strength to find the answers you seek, strength in yourself, and strength in your faith.

Allah has given you a trial, a very painful trial, but you have been given this for a reason.
You are strong and you can overcome.

You are not haraam.

- Nafisah

Salaam Alaikum sister, apologies for the delay in replying.

I realize that our religion complicates matters, but I always tell people this: experience love and attraction freely.

You could be developing a crush because you know she’s into girls; sometimes the possibility is enough to make us curious and start to develop feelings.

And honestly, Muslims fall for non-Muslims all the time. Don’t think that you’re being some godless sinner or anything like that just for liking someone.

This doesn’t have to be a passing fancy or “phase,” or it could be both those things, you never know.
No matter what, don’t feel bad. Allah will guide you if you keep Him in mind.

- Nafisah

Wa alaikum salaam. 

InshaAllah, I will do my best here. May Allah accept it. There is no difference between the way salat is performed for male or female. There is also no difference between wudu is performed. According to all but one madhab, contact with the ‘opposite’ gender does not invalidate wudu. 

Performing salat jama’ah would be tricky because I would answer that based more on your safety than anything else. If you attend a masjid that is open and does not have physical barriers between binary genders, then you could enter the masjid and drift to the front with the men or to the back with women. Still. Safety first and may Allah protect you in all that you do. 

I hope some of the other mods weigh in here as well as their lived Islam would be more comparable to yours. 

Ma salaama,

Kal

Wa-laikum assalaam. brother,

In terms of contact with the “opposite” gender: there is a difference between gender identity and gender performance. 

For instance, I identify as female. However, in order to pray jama’ah, I have to dress as a man. Regardless of my being a woman, I am performing the gender role of a man. In that time, I avoid women’s spaces, and avoid immodest contact with women. 

In-shah-Allah, this helps you.

Ma salaam,

Miriam

Wasalaam, sister

There is certainly a sad disconnect regarding some “modern Muslims” and LGBTQ* issues in our current day. If there is a way for you to find LGBTQ*-friendly spaces to learn about Islam, I would say that is the best solution.
However, those spaces are few and far between.

I believe that there are things to be learned even in— shall we say —hostile environments.
If you want to hear more about a traditional Islam, there is no harm in continuing to talk to that group. As long as you re-evaluate what you’re told in regards to homosexuality and gender variance, there is a lot to learn.

If you’re willing to overlook or endure it, I pray that you find meaning in everything else you learn.

- Nafisah

Salaam,

Excellent answer from Nafisah already. Just to add, depending on your location, there are Muslim organisations that are more inclusive. One such example is the MPV group in the US and IMI in the UK.

-Naeem

Salaam wa-laikum,

First, being white should have no impact on your treatment. Islam isn’t tied to any race or ethnicity. There are Muslims of every type, including many white Muslims.

Second, know that a lot of non-Muslim interest in Islam is hostile, exploitative, and predatory. It’s not your intention, but it’s the reality for many Muslims, and it leads to a certain wariness. Believe me, if you decide to convert, you’ll experience it yourself.

As for finding a fully supportive community: both Naeem and Nafisah make great points.But, the truth is, if you want a community, you’ll have to create one yourself. That’s how the majority of queer Muslim spaces were formed, including this blog. 

Instead of looking for a fully formed organization, you should instead look for a individual Muslims. You’ll find them in the same places you’d find any other American. Get to know them, and be honest. Tell them you’re interested in Islam, but you worry how you’ll be treated as a lesbian. Even Muslims with strong, conservative convictions can show remarkable compassion when such concerns have a human face. You really have nothing to lose in this.

Anyway, God-willing, this’ll help. Take care.

Miriam

Wa-laikum as-salaam. I hope this message finds you well. I know what it’s like to struggle with faith and trans* issues. And, the thing is, we’re not the only ones struggling with it. 

There are accounts of queer and trans* Muslims going back to the time of the Prophet (P). How did he treat them? He forbade attacks on them and allowed them to work in the city.

But there’s also hadith where the Prophet Muhammad (P), condemns the acts of gender variance. I’m not going to go into whether it’s a major sin or a minor sin, because the essence of it raises more questions than it answers. 

What is gender variance? Is it a girl wearing pants? A boy not wearing pants? Depends on where you’re from, right? And what about someone who, like yourself, is genderfluid? Wouldn’t being forced into one gender be gender variance on your part.

My advice is what it always is: pray. Because, really there’s no imam out there who understands both the interworkings of being queer and the inner working of Islamic jurisprudence. And any opinion you read would be speculation in one way or another.

If you want my opinion: no, I don’t think Allah send you to hell for a hairstyle. I don’t think Heaven has a dress code. And I don’t think you’re any different from all the cisgender Muslims who grow and cut their hair. If you want me to “prove” it, I can’t do that.

If I could, we wouldn’t be here.

However, science tells us that these things are biological, as natural as the color of your hair. In short, Allah made you as you are. And he certainly wouldn’t want you to be ashamed of it. Even if you live in an environment that wont let you openly express it, you need to know that what you are is not shameful, but blessed.

Of course, some Muslims will argue that even left handed Muslims will eat with their right hand. But we’re not talking about hands. We’re talking about your whole being.

How wide or narrow a path you decide to walk will ultimately be up to you. Just know that your desires don’t make you damned. Not even your actions make you damned. The only way to be damned or saved is with the judgement of Allah. And only Allah knows that (and really, alhamdu-lillah for that).

That’s why you ask Allah for his help. And sometimes, Allah won’t give us the answers we’re ready to hear. And sometimes, Allah won’t answer us because He’s waiting for us to grow a spine and figure it out ourselves. We don’t pray for a simple cause and response from the Almighty. We do it because even in our prayers, we are doing good, and acknowledging the superiority of Allah.

Anyway, i hope this helps. Please take care and may Allah bless you in this life and the next.

Sincerely, 

Miriam

Salaam alaikum sister.
Please believe that someday you will accept yourself. It may seem impossible now, but don’t lose that hope.

Also please consider reading this link on how to reconcile your sexuality and faith.

Family is important, but you are too- and it’s not impossible to work things out and balance your identity and life.
Remember, you are not haraam.

- Nafisah

Salaam sister,

I would highly recommend contacting Imaan who are an LGBT Muslim organisation in the UK. They have officers trained to work with young people and they can offer advice via email too. If you check out www.imaan.org.uk you will find the contact details for the welfare officer.

All the best,

-Naeem