Honestly, if you were in love with someone, you wouldn’t need to ask. You’d know.
Edit: The thing is, there is no specific criterion on what makes ‘love’. It’s something personal for everyone (sidenote: a big part of relationships is navigating you and your partner’s expectations of love). At some point, you decide that what you feel is love. Go at your own pace, and don’t over think it. Crossing the line and saying “I’m in love”, that’s not something you think about. It just happens.
Also, don’t worry about needing to label yourself, or needing to conform to a label. You can figure that out at a slow pace.
Also also, from doctormemelordmd:
It could also simply be the case that you are attracted to men and women. Whatever the case, you are not unusual :)
Wasalaam, if you are having trouble finding a place to stay, have you tried looking at these blogs?
Also remember that gyms usually provide storage and showers for members, and memberships are cheaper than hotels.
Please don’t give up, our prayers and Allah’s guidance will be with you.
Maybe you find peace and a warm place to stay, insha’Allah
Even though you’ve come to terms with your sexuality, it’s very possible that you still feel like an “oddity” among Muslim girls and assume they’re all straight and somehow more “pure” than you, making your attractions seem unwanted. But finding people attractive doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily “come onto them”, and it’s ultimately an innocent thought.
Don’t feel that you’re corrupting them or anything because you think they’re pretty or hot, plenty of straight Muslims are physically attracted to a variety of people as well.
There’s no need to repress how you feel
joy. It feels very complicated and hard and difficult to explain to myself and to others at times. How do I figure this out? How do I, as a queer muslim woman of color, live my life and not leave Islam?
The first command given to Prophet Muhammad was to read. If you question your religion, then read and discover the answers you seek.
For any Muslim, not just those under the queer umbrella, there is a constant struggle to hold onto our imaan. Some let it slip away without noticing, some fight and cry over it. Since we are queer, we are constantly asked to validate our religious existence, and through that, I have always found a bittersweet blessing. Because in being faced with spiritual existentialism, we are forced to search; to read.
And in this way, I find myself going back to Islam again and again. Imaan is not always forged through comfort and conformity, after all.
Read the Qur’an, read different interpretations, study the history of our religion and how it has endured and how it has been misconstrued. Perhaps you will find your way back to Allah, and perhaps you will leave.
No matter the choice, you will be making an educated decision that best suits your life.
Whether you decide to stay or leave, may Allah bless you on your journey and beyond.
Haraam describes actions, not people. You cannot be haraam, no matter how you feel. If your feeling guilty for something you’re doing, then I suggest looking into whether what you’re doing is haraam. But, here’s the thing: if you decide it’s haraam, stop doing it. As Muslims we are commanded not only to do good, but reject evil.
Oh, and there’s no requirement in Islam to get married and have kids. Besides you’ve already got, like, 1.7 billion siblings, so you’re good on family.
Salaam wa-laikum sister,
Not only does this blog support LGBTQ Muslims, we’re LGBTQ Muslims ourselves! Recently, we even published a piece on coming out for Queer Muslims.
As for your question about dating/marrying a girl. In the end, that answer is up to you. I could say it’s wrong, I could say it isn’t. But what makes my opinion better than yours? Or anyone else’s?
The question isn’t what I think is right and wrong, but what Allah thinks. So, why not ask Allah directly? Islam affords that chance, in the form of prayer and d’ua.
I’m not saying it will come immediately. Remember, the Prophet (S) waited years between his first and second revelations. Allah works on His timetable, not yours. But, by asking Allah, you’re doing good. You’re remembering Allah’s supremacy, and acknowledging that only Allah can truly answer you.
I’ll say this, though. Two of our mods are women who recently got married (in the most ridiculously beautiful ceremonies ever!). So, if you decide to date/marry a girl, you’ll find a supportive presence here.
And that’ll hold true if you decide against it. This place, most importantly, is a place for you to navigate what being queer and Muslim actually means, for you. Inshahallah, you’ll find it.
So welcome to this site! And may Allah Bless you in this life and the next!
PS: That’s so great to hear about your cousin. May it be the harbinger of things to come.
Salaam alaikum, we’re happy you found this blog too :)
I know at your age, everything seems like it needs to be done the next day, but take a deep breath. You’re only 16, even by strict parental standards, that’s way too early to get married in today’s world.
You have a lot of your life ahead of you, so don’t panic. Take your time.
If you think you want to move away from religion, that’s fine, but jumping out of it suddenly won’t be the best solution. Follow your spirituality (or lack of) in accordance to your needs, your personality, and your life. Don’t let your need to rebel against your parents rush you into any brash decisions.
You don’t need adhere to the same religion of your parents, but until you figure out what you want, spend your energy finding yourself instead of needlessly fighting your parents.
A lot of people come to us asking for advice on coming out, specifically coming out to muslim families and parents, and how best to approach this massive hurdle that many muslims of the spectrum face. In truth, there is no one way in which to approach this matter, as each individual will have their own set of circumstances unique to them, and this will greatly affect the way that this process will work for them. Having said that, there are some universal things that can apply to many of us, and aid us in preparing best to deal with this part of our lives. These “tips” will not apply to every person word for word, of course, but they may be able to help pave your own path in revealing the truth.
Confidence in your faith and yourself
Before asking your family to accept you, you must make peace with yourself. Growing up as both queer and muslim takes its toll on many of us, especially for those that are from practising muslim families. You will feel many things both negative and positive about your place as a queer muslim. Whatever you feel, you must deal with what is raging within yourself first and foremost. This can in a lot of cases be the longest and most difficult part of the process, but if you haven’t accepted yourself, then how can you expect others to do the same? Whatever and however you may be, remember that the Almighty has created you in this way with His own hands and He makes no mistakes, which brings forth the next point:
Many of us feel isolated from our religious communities because of what we hear in the media and the masjids, and even from our own relatives and friends about islam’s stance and interpretation of non-heterosexuality. We hear stories of condemnation and punishment and of course this is disheartening, but please remember that these are interpretations of our religion by people - and there can be more than one. Read the Qur’an and study religious texts for yourself, particularly from scholars who are known for alternative viewpoints. There is a wealth of information available to those who are willing to seek it, and you may be surprised by what you find. The Qur’an is beautiful in that it may reveal a message to you that it does not for other people, and you can only find this if you study it.
Realise that you have time
For many people, discovering their sexuality is a bittersweet process that toys wildly with emotions, especially because of the young age at which it happens. This can cause someone to make rushed decisions, and coming out may seem like the most important thing in the world that has to be done straight away. This does not have to be the case, if you are young and have years ahead of you inshaAllah, it may not be necessary, or even safe, to come out until you are prepared in every way possible. It is a delicate subject that must be approached with sensitivity and caution, and is not something to be rushed into head first with no back up.
Unfortunately, we must prepare for the worst-case scenario. Nobody knows how your families/friends will react upon hearing what you have to say, even though the best person will probably be yourself, and it is essential that you have somewhere to go/someone to confide in if things go belly up and you are left stranded. If possible, ensure that you are able to support yourself if it comes down to it, and do the best you can to provide yourself with an alternative if your families are not accepting right away. Finish school and your degrees if you are doing them; save money; make friends who may be able to help you out if need be; learn of the resources available around you because regrettably, rejection happens more often than it should.
Gauge a “test” response
The topic of queerness may arise in conversation, and this can be an opportunity to find out what your families and friends stances are with regards to it. But this must be done carefully and not forced in order to minimise suspicion if it is a danger to you. It’s not a definitive indicator of a response, but you will most likely get an idea of how they feel and then how best to approach the matter.
Find the right time and place
Coming out in our communities is by no means a simple task, and it must be stressed that sensitivity and caution is key. It makes sense to leave the conversations until later if your family is going through a difficult time, or when stress levels are high, because coming out will no doubt add a level of stress that can push certain people into making rash decision that are not in your favour. If you are worried about any physical/verbal abuse, try to conduct the conversation in a public place, perhaps at a restaurant when out for a meal with your family or when going for a quiet walk in the park. This will inshaAllah help minimise the risk of violent outbursts and, if necessary, provide witnesses to any adverse outcomes.
Patience is key
Be patient with your family. They may accept you straight away in which case Alhamdulillah, but if not, you must understand that their initial response does not necessarily reflect their final attitude. It is likely that they will be hurt and confused, and may blame you or themselves. It takes time. It took time for you to accept yourself, and it will take time for them to accept you, and you should be supportive of their attempts to make sense of what you have told them. At this point perhaps space is good if that is financially/socially possible.
Many queer muslims find themselves alienated from the muslim community and this can unfortunately lead to detachment from faith as well. It is important to keep close to Allah despite what others may say, as after all your faith is between you and your creator only. Prayer is one way in which closeness to God can be established, and can reaffirm ones relationship with religion. Salaat-e-Istikhara especially is a valuable tool that we can use to help us make the difficult decisions that many of us face, especially when the line between right or wrong is blurred. Allah has all the answers that we seek and through Him you will InshaAllah find what is the best path for you.
To conclude, there is no one way to come out, and there is no one best approach, but several. Patience, caution, and sensitivity must be exercised in order to make the process of coming out safe for yourself, and easier for those you are coming out to. We pray that you are met with compassion and understanding, but if not, we hope you are able to move on without guilt, knowing that you did the best you can to convey your feelings towards the people that you love. Our thoughts and prayers go out to all of you, no matter what you are going through.
Asalaam alaikum and apologies for the delay!
I understand your worries, but don’t be afraid to study and practice Islam on your own as well. I realize the lack of physical interaction and association with the community can be discouraging, but the most important relationship is (and always will be) between you and Allah.
Don’t forget that.
As you cultivate your faith alone, take small steps to reach out. Venture to any close Masjids or Muslim communities and talk to the people there. You don’t know how they’ll react to you, but rest assured that Muslims are very friendly, especially to potential converts.
There’s no guarantee they’ll be open to queer issues, but there’s also no guarantee that they’ll react badly either, and no one should turn you away from the get-go.
I know it sounds scary, but you won’t know how things will turn out until you try. It’s good to take precautions, but in the end, I think you should follow your desires and re-evaluate the situation after some exposure.
Insha’Allah this helps you, sorry again for the lateness, the IANH team have all been busy as of late, but we’re working through our messages.